Developing healthy relationships

Keeping a relationship hasn't been easy for me. I was raised to obey, serve and protect. It was my duty of the eldest child to uphold family traditions and livelihood. In my family, if you can't survive on your own, you're considered useless. 

My parents should be grateful that I am well-rounded with my sense of self-worth. Even though it took my father 30 years to realize that he had a daughter worth being proud of, I am still reminded, without a shadow of a doubt, that I am still worthless. Chinese families will never accept women to carry on the legend of the family name.

I am also Filipino. I have to earn my respect but I must always give respect to the elders regardless of their malignant behaviors toward the family. Trust is not a currency in Filipino families. It never was and shall never be. I have broken both Chinese and Filipino culture stereotypes. I have embraced my individuality graciously and humbly to circumvent the abuse I have experienced for over 3 decades.

It all started with 1 book: "How to win friends and influence people," by Dale Carnegie. I learned that there are different types of people. 

• Realistic
• Investigative
• Artistic
• Social
• Enterprising
• Conventional

Depending on these types of people, you will find a full spectrum of those who are daft, extraordinary, inspiring or highly intuitive. Whether or not their religious beliefs have affected their preconceived notions of others, you will learn very quickly whom to avoid at all costs.

When you are young, you are living in the here and now. The future is too scary and unpredictable. It is normal to be anxious about the future. You dare to dream of wonderful and beautiful things. One thing I learn about people is, they don't really care about your dreams. How do you find people who share similar things you enjoy?

As Dale Carnegie simply puts it, "Take a chance! People rarely succeed unless they have fun in what they are doing." If you're the type of person who enjoys hiking, go for it. If you happen upon someone along the way, ask if you could join them. If they decline your offer, don't worry about it. Respect their space like a decent human being would.

The rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage. ~ Dale Carnegie

His words has stuck with me since high school. It is also in line with what Jesus told his disciples long ago, "If you want to be great in God's kingdom, learn to be the servant of all."

I also learned that being a servant doesn't necessarily mean to obey authorities with disregard to your well-being. 

As a Filipino, you were taught about respect and what it means to the family and the community at an early age. Without it, humanity will dissipate to apathy, chaos and evil. Trust is earned. As a child, your trust is a vital part of your survival. When parents bribe, lie and cheat, that trust is lost until the child learns the value of it during their adolescent years to adulthood.

Honesty is the most valuable character trait in the world. If you're not true to yourself, you will find yourself in a precarious situation regardless of how successful you become.

To be interesting, be interested. ~ Dale Carnegie

One of the greatest mystery is how one becomes a happy, fulfilled and youthful person. Many philanthropists suggest doing what you love the most. The greatest truth Jesus revealed to his disciples was, "Do not be afraid." It is as simple as that. It is not an absolute. I am terrified of heights because of a childhood trauma I experienced when I was 10 years old. I simply avoid looking down. My agoraphobia stemmed from a horrific incident I experienced while I was in Tokyo, Japan. As long as I focus on a open path ahead of me, I don't notice the crowd as much.

Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy. ~ Dale Carnegie

I learned that communication is key to breaking the ice with a stranger. I notice beautiful things. I learned that there will be people who will judge you by the way you look at them. I am awkward as a platypus. I learned that I will always offend people regardless of my good intentions.

Social media has taught me a lot of things. The words you use to comment on videos, posts and photos are determined by intransigent "Community guidelines" from developing human connection and bonding a genuine relationship. 

You can't win an argument. If you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it. ~ Dale Carnegie

Communicating isn't my strongest feat, but neither is everyone else's due to other factors that deprive its intentions, such as their ethical backgrounds, family upbringing, cultural traditions and religious perceptions. Relationship building is the process of consistently communicating with someone, being an active listener, and giving up time to be with someone. It involves dedication and honesty. Listening is just as important as talking. 

When I emigrated to America, their active listening skills are still foreign to me. The reason why it annoys me because the non-verbal cues distract me, especially when someone paraphrases my words in their own understanding.

Active listening techniques include: Being fully present in the conversation Showing interest by practicing good eye contact Noticing (and using) non-verbal cues Asking open-ended questions to encourage further responses Paraphrasing and reflecting back what has been said Listening to understand rather than to respond Withholding judgment and advice

I am a very patient person. Even though the undertone of defeat, frustration and sense of melancholy reverberate in my voice, it doesn't mean I am reflecting it towards the other person. I am not a vindictive person by nature. I don't have it in me to physically harm another person out of spite. The vainglory people put in their words through actions say a lot about them and how they view the world.

I learned about personal boundaries when I was admitted to the Mental Health clinic during my service in the US Air Force. Personal boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships. The captain who evaluated me stated I was one of his first self-aware patients to treat. He misdiagnosed my PTSD as Borderline personality disorder. The external psychiatrist who actually diagnosed my PTSD, stated that I have to learn how to manage my emotions and acknowledge them from what I was feeling at the moment of conflict. After several behavioral exercises, I learned to manage my anger, my anxiety and the emotional reaction I was exhibiting during difficult social interactions.

When I was discharged from the Air Force, I didn't seek out to continue the therapy immediately because I knew the root cause of my failure to communicate clearly and properly. I was taught to speak in Tagalog during my toddler years. It wasn't until my sisters were born that I had to learn English. I struggled to comprehend English in my adolescent years because of the way English was taught at home. In Tagalog, when someone tells you that something is amiss, trouble is brewing. In English, when something is amiss, that means something is out of place. I had to learn Tagalog again so that my English comprehension could improve. The reason why I speak slow is because my brain is reverse translating from Tagalog to English and back to Tagalog.

When I took the courage to seek help through therapy and self-care programs in 2012, I discovered my PTSD was overlapped with Clinical Depression. As my psychologist and psychiatrist put it: "Your depression was untreated for so long, your serotonin levels are critically low." With the help of my primary care doctor, I had to take vitamins and happy pills (mirtazapine) to restore the chemical imbalance in my body.

After applying the necessary self-care, I was able to hold down a job, learn a new hobby and hone my cooking skills. I am in a steady relationship with someone who has helped me understand English in an eloquent and dignified way. 

Do the hard jobs first. The easy jobs will take care of themselves. ~ Dale Carnegie

I can honestly say that self-care is difficult when you're the type of person who cares too much. It is not a selfish act to care for oneself. If you don't take care of yourself, how do you expect to have the energy and strength to care for another human being? Be a good servant to yourself as much as you would to another human being. If you don't reach out to see to your needs, then get a pet. A pet will help you understand the meaning of being still in a presence of solace. If you don't believe me, ask a pet owner: "What has your pet taught you about life?"

 A relationship with someone doesn't have to be black and white of reciprocation. I learned that graciousness and forgiveness extends beyond unconditional love. It is an understanding and acknowledgement of one's well-being's benefit to the community and the world.  

When you find yourself interacting with a difficult person, ask yourself one thing: "What consolation do I have to offer?" Be honest and vulnerable. A wise man learns from his lessons of life while a foolish man sees to his ego.

If it weren't for the book, "The Power of Kindness," by Piero Ferrucci, I wouldn't be here telling stories about my adventures as an Airman, endeavors as a Freelance Artist, interactions with interesting people and discoveries with my journey to a fulfilling and prosperous life.

Developing healthy relationships is about respectfully declaring your individually in a vulnerable, safe, and gracious space with another person, who shares the same sentiment with you.

To those who swore off having children, I applaud your audacity to mainstream society who incites violence towards all women. Just understand one thing - leave your pride behind. Single men need to be validated as much as you do. If you deny these men their ability to share their vulnerability with you, how would you expect to have your own feelings validated in the same manner?

Luke 6:31 Treat others just as you want to be treated. ~ Yeshua ben Yosef

The first 5 years of a child's development is about their well-being. Ages 12 to 18 is called adolescence, when they do more complex thinking. Relating emotional intelligence to a young child or toddler can be challenging. Hence, parenting programs like The Incredible Years and The Empowered Parent are available to young parents after having their first child. 

A healthy relationship with your child needs your love and support especially in their times of need. Teaching them the fundamentals of respect goes a long way. It's normal to say "No," to your child, who is seeking for your attention, especially when you need to rest. As a mother, I learned the different volumes of cries, up to including when attention is demanded. I knew when they were hungry or when they needed a diaper change. When it comes to attention, I explain the importance of patience. Teaching them personal boundaries along with respect, not only boosts their skills of long-suffering, but also their ability to be grateful. The benefits of gratitude is developed when properly channeled through respecting your child's time.

Not everyone is privy to your livelihood - especially your children. Your child does not need to know about your marital relationship with your husband. If you have a disagreement, take it to a private room. Social media is not the place for it either. Resentment is like a mold infestation. Even though your child loves you, they may be lacking a deep sense of connection to you that helps them empathize and treat you with compassion. I would know. I did it to my father. Now that he is gone, I am indifferent to his passing. 

If your child wants time away from you, let them be. Respect their decision to have their own quality time for self-care. If you don't do so, why would you expect them to do the same for you?

For a parent and child, trust is a foundation that benefits both people, especially teens. Toddlers depend on their parents to love, support and protect them. When a parent misplaces their child's trust, it's a signal to the child that they may feel unwanted, unlovable, unworthy or flawed or all the above. 

It took me 3 decades to learn that my mother only recognizes me for the good things I did for her. If you only exhibit conditional care and support for your child, they will never learn to recognize the danger they expose themselves to others who deem them harm, whether it be physical, emotional, financial, spiritual or psychopathological. Mistrust can cause children to become fearful, confused, and anxious, all of which make it difficult to form healthy relationships. Research shows that being raised in an untrustworthy environment may actually make a child more trusting of untrustworthy people. Understanding your child's cues and attempting to respond to those cues, including meeting their needs, is crucial in forming secure attachment. 

When there is trust, your child will feel safe sharing their innermost thoughts and feelings. They may not articulate it as much as an adult would, but helping them learn to pause and think for a moment to describe their "big feelings," will help them develop emotional intelligence. By doing so, you are allowing them to take risks because they know you won't take advantage of their vulnerability. They will understand that you will be there for them. As your child develops trust, parts of their brain are strengthened to make them feel secure and handle stress better. When adolescent children know their parents trust them, they can deepen their sense of safety in the world, support their self-esteem and confidence as they try new things, and assure them they have someone to go to when things don't go according to plan. 

The extent to which children are able to subjectively trust in primary caregivers as a resource to rely upon when experiencing distress has an important impact on developmental outcomes in several domains such as psychopathology, academic success, social competence, and general health.

Researchers have also found that trust beliefs are associated with prosocial behavior as directly evidenced by helping others and altruistic acts. For example, Rotenberg et al. (2005) found that children's trust in others was positively correlated with peer-reported helpfulness.

Grieving is difficult especially for a child because it includes the loss of connections that define them. Remaining neutral and non-judgmental in your responses enables the other person to feel comfortable with sharing their thoughts. It makes the conversation a safe zone where they can trust that they won't be shamed, criticized, blamed, or otherwise negatively received.

Allow them to cry. You can cry with them. Be their moral support. Find ways to honor their loss such as lighting a candle or attending different cultural ceremonies where people honor their dead. Tears are a way of releasing stress hormones that build up in our bodies. However, the amount a person cries is not an indication about their love of the one who died. Death is inevitable. No one can return from death. Neither can you stop someone from being dead. Help your child understand the circle of life so, instead of them endlessly lamenting on the loss, which they cannot control, it is wise not grieve insufferably, but to celebrate and honor the memories that were once there. Grief will only increase the pain of loss and disturb their peace of mind to move forward.

Though one should live a hundred years

without seeing the Deathless State,

yet better indeed, is a single day's life

of one who sees the Deathless State. ~ Kisa Gotami

The unexpected death of a loved one, especially a child, is when grief becomes stricken. I could never imagine how one could live on with a loss so heavy. Grieving is a highly individual experience; there's no right or wrong way to grieve. It is kindness to extend a helping hand such as, picking groceries or cooking a meal for the one who is grieving. It is compassionate to extend your presence in their time of need such as, calling them the moment you think of them or visiting them whenever they feel lonely. It is gracious to extend your listening ear. You don't have to say a thing to comfort them while they are processing their grief.

If you can’t sleep, then get up and do something instead of lying there and worrying. It’s the worry that gets you, not the loss of sleep. ~ Dale Carnegie

Having a relationship with someone grieving can be challenging because it includes the entire emotional process of coping with a loss, and it can last a long time. The process involves many different emotions, actions, and expressions, all of which help a person come to terms with the loss of a loved one. The best remedy is allowing yourself to be available, patient, and supportive to the best of your ability.

  Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all. ~ Dale Carnegie

If you can learn to love without conditions, you will find the most mysterious and beautiful things unfold in your life. Love cannot be described with words alone. Your ability to love is dependent upon how you see yourself as a person. 

Proverbs 19: 8 He that getteth wisdom loveth his own soul: He that keepeth understanding shall find good. ~ King Solomon ben David

 If you can't love yourself, how do you expect people to love you in return? The folklore of The Summer and Winter Garden (adaptation of La Belle et la Bête) is a compelling story of a woman forced to choose between family and duty. The truth it highlights is when Beauty resolves her obligations between her family and the Beast was by just being herself. In the story, Beauty was described as kind-hearted, patient and a well-read young lady, to which her brothers and sisters ridiculed as "stupid and boring." Despite being the youngest, she stayed true to her character, especially when the Beast was dying. Beauty agreed to marry the Beast because he stayed honorable. He did not lash out against Beauty when she abandoned him - for he understood that her family meant the world to her.

Love is not something you can measure with a stick. When you love someone, the powerful urge to be connected to this person brings new aspects to how you want to be emotionally or physically involved with them, or possibly have a passion or a desire to know everything about them, and be known by them in return. 

Whether it be platonic, familial, romantic or sexual, love cannot be defined by material or monetary things. In other words, the biggest diamond engagement ring doesn't necessarily mean that you're love life is going to be good or get better with your partner. The downside of having a large cut diamond (5-carat is a max limit for diamonds) is its blemishes will typically be more visible than a 2-carat diamond. I would know. I used to work for Macy's fine jewelry department, and we always have to check the clarity of the diamond before we could showcase it to the gallery.

The one thing I learned is how Linda Diane Creed Epstein summed up how your love life should feel like. Loving oneself as much as you love another person is as genuine as Jesus' words when he told his disciples that the second commandment, as the first commandment, is to love your neighbor as much as you love yourself.

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. ~ John the Evangelist

People make a lot of mistakes. It is the humanity within ourselves that binds and compels us to love more and suffer less. If one person can show you an act of kindness, wouldn't you want to pay it forward to someone else?