Before Matrimony and Marriage

​Today is February 16, 2026. I never would’ve thought that I would be writing this article. 

I watched “The West Side Story” yesterday. I was emotionally overwhelmed by the circumstances that ended with tragic events. 

I have watched several renditions of “Romeo and Juliet”, but not as heartbreaking as this. 

I was raised in a Christian household. A household that should have been founded on moral values, social connections, and loving kindness. My parents were one of the statistics that show being in an abusive relationship. In the United States, this translates to millions of individuals, as studies suggest that 1 in 4 men who claim to be highly religious also report perpetrating violence against their partners. 

Regardless of your religious beliefs or cultural background, there are certain aspects of self-awareness one must consider before committing to a long-term relationship. 

Who are you?

A study showed that a growing fetus in a mother’s womb is alert around the 25th to 30th week of pregnancy. During this time, they begin to develop regular sleep-wake cycles, can recognize voices, and may react with increased heart rate to external stimuli.

Never assume that your child is an empty vessel that you can fill with your prejudices and preconceived notions based on bigotry, hatred, and ignorant assumptions.

A child is inherently curious. It requires guidance and patience. Any child who survives from a domestic violent home, needs as much guidance, support, and patience when they become adults. 

Now that you are an adult, give yourself some time to process where you were and where you are now. Allowing yourself to try new things and discover what your strengths and limitations are is one way of learning who you can be. 

Who do you want to be when you decide to become someone’s lifelong partner?

What are your values?

I thought that family was the important thing in the world. After some mindful exercises with my therapist, I found out that I value truth more than anything else in the world. 

I was raised to lead by example, but was never taught how to lead. Since I held truth as a moral compass, I learned earlier on whom I can trust and whom to avoid at all costs. 

It was an arduous process grieving the loss of my relationship with my family (mother, father, and sisters) and relatives. Building new relationships was challenging for me not because I didn’t know how to make friends, but because I was preoccupied with my loss. 

There’s no law against grieving. In fact, it is understood to let the mourners have a safe space and ample resources for support. Here in America, that fundamental right was taken away by insurance companies and psychobabble institutions. 

While I was grieving, I came across a song that was playing on Pandora. “Tell your heart to beat again,” by Danny Gokey moved my soul to total surrender.  I thought for the longest time that I had to reconcile my relationship with my parents who constantly abused me. Yehoshuah ben Yosef taught the multitude on mount beatitudes that if you are angry with your brother without reason, you are guilty of murdering them in your heart. I prayed for forgiveness and surrendered my sorrow to God. Thank you, Danny for sharing this truth. 

What are your plans for the future?

I was 14 years old when I decided that I wanted to become a mother. Even though I was ridiculed by my classmates and scoffed off by my parents, I was certain that I would make a wonderful mother. 

I had plans to finish college by the time I turned 30 years old. 

At the time, I was still under my parents’ jurisdiction. They made every effort to disrupt my plans. I took the most daring risk I have ever taken in my life. I enlisted in the US Armed Forces as a green-card holder in 2000.

Even though my life was chaotic, I held fast to my convictions. I did the best I could to raise my child in a safe and secure environment as any mother would for their children.

My failure to gain autonomy for myself almost caused me my life. I survived the darkness of generational trauma and abuse because I fought it with my own darkness. Since I know the power my darkness wields, I refuse to unleash it onto the world again.

What I learned during my time in solitude (not to be confused with isolation), I was born out of lust. A desire to hold a man accountable for provisions and protections under pretense of love, honor, and duty. Never allow your infatuation to blind you from people who seek to oppress or exploit you.

Since I was born out of lust, I was a constant reminder to my mother of her sinful behavior. Not only was I sexually molested by her, she found other people to sexually exploit me too. What made it even worse, my father did nothing — in the same manner Adam did nothing to stop Eve from eating the fruit. Trust me, I was a very angry child. 

Despite my hyper vigilance demeanor throughout my childhood under my parents’ jurisdiction, I still love them. Even after my father passed away in 2010, knowing that he regretted allowing this suffering on me, I learned that he protected my sisters in my absence right after my visit to California in 2002 when I introduced them to my child. 

By the time I was on my own, I was lost in between who I was and who I was supposed to be. Deconstructing my faith and unlearning the generational trauma and abuse took time and attention away from my role as a mother. 

Unfortunate as it was to end my first marriage, I did everything I could to reconcile my relationships with everyone I hurt, including my child’s father. 

I have surrendered my past to God. I am making every effort to ensure that I stay true to myself, holding on to my values (not my parents’ values), learning from others, regardless of age or upbringing, as well as keeping the faith that gave me another chance of living a better life.

If I had known what I knew now, I would have saved a lot of hurt and suffering along the way while I was making plans for my future. 

If you ever find yourself stuck in a rut during the process of building your future, remember these things:

• Find people who are willing to stay with you for the long haul 
• Keep the company who will keep you on the straight and narrow path to your goals
• Never allow company to question your identity and autonomy 
• Avoid engaging in practical jokes for the sake of amusement and entertainment 
• Learn from the wisest 14 year old that ever lived — King Solomon 
• Learn from your mistakes even if it means losing a companion 
• You are not meant to manage things on your own. Ask for help, guidance, support or advice. 
• You are worthy of everything that life has to offer you 
• Avoid participating in projects that will land you in jail
• Your free will is not a permission to detriment other’s freedom 
• You are the author of your own story 

Commitments and Stability 

As a turbulent commander personality, I learned that my desire for perfection was inherent. To mitigate the preconceived notion of perfection under religious beliefs, I made a promise to myself that I was going to celebrate every small victory. 

The purpose of leading by example is to encourage others that commitment is possible even when the task is challenging. My advantage is, I was born this way. 

Since I have the gift of teaching, I made a commitment to share my experience with others. Even if it doesn’t make sense to other’s learning process, I am willing to learn and adapt to their learning ability.

Before you start planning, ask yourself 3 things:

1. Who can I trust to help me develop my plans?
2. What resources do I need to accomplish my goals?
3. Where is the best place to make this happen?

Once you have determined the set parameters to conclude your plans, the next step is to fully commit to it. Mistakes happen all the time. Communication is crucial in this building process because you want people to stay with you during the long term of commitment. 

If you have to start from scratch, rest and recuperate. During your time of rest, connect with others. When you’re ready to start again, remember not to make the same mistake twice. 

To gain stability in maintaining your goals, whether it be personal, familial, or joint venture, you need constant reminders that love is what makes the world beautiful. 

In Roman mythology, the goddess Flora created the rose from a nymph's body, and Cupid added thorns after being stung by a bee while kissing the flower. Beautiful things don’t ask for attention. When you find yourself receiving attention, be as gentle as a dove, but wise as a snake. 

Love is a state of being. This wisdom did not come randomly from experience. It was something I’ve always known in my heart to be true. Despite the circumstances I was put through as a child and adult surviving domestic violence and abuse, I still chose to love. 

Since I am aware of the power my darkness holds, I owe it to the Lord of the Universe to transform it into light. A light that now shines through the darkness like a star in the expanding cosmos. Even the black hole emits light. Its daunting existence is still a beautiful mystery to all who witness it.

People who claim that they are experts or professionals on the subject of love are deceiving themselves. A man is only as good as his words if he acts accordingly to what he says.

Are you willing to lay down your life for another? That’s what love does.