Who are you?

Self-awareness is your ability to perceive and understand the things that make you who you are as an individual, including your personality, actions, values, beliefs, emotions, and thoughts. It is essentially a psychological state in which the self becomes the focus of attention or simply where you become self-conscious.

• Self-awareness is the ability to identify and connect your emotions, thoughts, values, beliefs, and behaviors. It can help you remain consistent and focus on what you need to work on.
• Building self-awareness can help you understand how these thoughts, feelings, and actions impact your health and sense of well-being, as well as the people around you.
• Developing self-awareness is possible at any age. It can start by asking for feedback, checking in with yourself every day, and knowing who can provide you with honest information about your actions.
• Self-awareness can lead you to feel more confident, accept yourself more, and reduce stress when interacting with other people. ~ PsyhCentral

In all stories of the world, you will find the main character will always be described to you - how they view the world, who they identify as, how they interact with other characters, and what makes them different from the rest of the world. Soft skills are developed over time when characters interact with other individuals in the story. 

Knowing who you are and what makes you stand out from the rest of the world is to define what aspects of your life is mostly important to you. Focusing on yourself and identifying your beliefs, needs, and challenges can help you manage emotions, feel empowered, and be intentional in your personal journey.

When you look at yourself, are you able to recognize and connect emotions, core beliefs, thoughts, and traits — including weaknesses and strengths that makes you [your name]? In early childhood, your sense of self starts to develop as you realize that you’re separate from your environment — a unique being. 

As you grow older, your self-consciousness tends to include an internal awareness of what makes you “[your name]” — your likes and dislikes, values, passions, and purpose. Whether the knowledge you obtained from books, how you were raised, what you believe in and/or the meaning of your existence will color the reality of your world. 

Researchers found that practicing self-awareness and mindfulness improves:

• self-acceptance
• self-confidence
• proactivity
• stress related to social interactions

Dr. Tasha Eurich, a researcher and organizational psychologist, spent more than 10 years surveying people about their levels of self-awareness. She found that while 95% of participants think they’re self-aware, only about 10% to 15% of them know who they truly are. She recommends taking 2 to 3 minutes at the end of each day to ask yourself these questions:

• What went well today?
• What didn’t go so well today?
• How can I be smarter/[better] tomorrow?

An emphasis in the last question can help you avoid ruminating on things that didn’t go well. "It's better to reflect on what happen than it is to ruminate what should have happened," Dr. Turner advised me from one of my therapy sessions. The key difference between the two is that self-reflection is constructive when thoughts focus on past mistakes, triumphs, and areas of improvement. Rumination is destructive, because the focus becomes obsessing over mistakes and beating ourselves up over errors.

Dr. Josh Misner, a communications professor at North Idaho College and Gonzaga University, states that most humans have a self-serving bias. Seek the people in your life who support you, and have them assess whether they tend to agree with your every move. Having the support of friends and family is essential, but so is having people who are comfortable giving you feedback that brings the Johari window to light. People who give you an honest feedback and constructive criticism will not only help you improve your self-awareness, but allow you to acknowledge what you can and cannot change about yourself.

Things you can change:

• Emotional reaction
• Diplomacy
• Relative concepts and ideologies
• Social engagement (political, religious, family, friends)
• Habits (idiosyncrasies and eccentricities)

Things you cannot change:

• Body (body modifications can only go so far before the cells degrade and inevitably die)
• Weather
• Other People

I have been meaning to discuss this incident but did not know how to approach it at the time: 

When it was first shared over the Internet, people made all kinds of horrible comments about the boy who cried when he was told, "You're not a single lady." After all these years, I was able to find the original video Carlos shared about his 3 year old son.

Here's the thing: HE WAS 3 YEARS OLD

He has no concept of self-awareness yet. After this incident, he will forever remember that his father prevented him from singing, "All the single ladies," with his sisters. The memory of him being told that he was not a single lady will evoke resentment towards women (whether this happens in the future, Carlos' apology needs to be extended to his daughters and wife.). Even though Carlos apologized to his son, the emotional damage was already done. I wish you peace Carlos' son. I hope you grow up to be a decent young fellow, and an advocate for normalizing boys to enjoy pop music, and supporting female pop music artists.

According to Duval and Wicklund (1972), there are two dimensions to self-awareness. The first is subjective self-awareness, which is when the person is consciously paying attention and is focused on what's happening to them externally. The second is focusing attention on objective self-awareness which is when the person exclusively focuses on themselves. A tool to help develop and understand awareness is called the Johari Window.

Self-reflection is the periodic turning of attention inward (Johnson et al., 2002). Focusing toward oneself helps make sense of attitudes and behaviors. This clarity is a process of realizing one's subtle or implicit and clear-cut, explicit feelings and mental states. Interactions with other people evoke implicit emotional reactions. Self-reflection helps to bring these previously unrecognized feelings into effortful, conscious awareness. Self-reflection arises from refined self-awareness. Self-reflection, self-evaluation, self-monitoring, and cognitive perspective-taking are interconnected abilities. Their roots develop in early childhood between 3 and 5 years old. As self-awareness expands throughout adulthood, the capacity for self-reflection also deepens.

Journaling is a tool to help channel thoughts, actions, and emotions. A person can write a daily entry tracking exercise and other habits, paying attention to how they felt doing so, and what may or may not need to be altered. A journal gives feedback when questions of over-exertion, injury, or negative emotions arise. In addition, it quantifies performance during certain activities, extrapolate what ailments it may trigger while engaging in the activity or reveal how much time was being spent on a single activity. Tracking your activities, emotions and other interactions with people on a journal will help sort out your feelings and  improve your own memory.

As mentioned already, keeping a journal can help you self-reflect, elaborate feelings, and gain more profound insights into various events that happened. So, journaling makes you more self-aware. That works for relationships as well.

Journaling about relationships doesn’t have to be focused on a single relationship, or a specific situation. You can still work on your relationships through journaling by asking yourself some more abstract questions:

• What do I find the most rewarding in my friendship with Sarah? Why?
• How do I feel about John and him constantly being late? How does that affect me? Is something going on in his life that I could help with?
• What are the five things I can’t stand about my mother, and what are the five qualities that I appreciate?

In order to help you achieve all this, Intelligent Change designed a curated Productivity Planner, based on the focus time technique. Other independent artists have created self-help journals you can buy from Barnes & Noble or the internet:

• The Happiness Planner
• Tumblr
• @Threads
• Tangled up in Hue

As an artist, I have a sketch journal which I draw stuff on from time to time. I've used LiveJournal back in 1999. I don't use it as often and unsure if people of today are aware it still exists. I wrote a lot of stuff -  Angry emotions. I was angry for a very long time. I became tired and indifferent to violence - until violence threatened my child. I realized then, that I had to change my self-destructive behaviors.

My child was 7 years old when I divorced their father. They were angry. I gave them the same tools I used to sort out my feelings from the emotional attachment with my mother. They drew, wrote stories, and created music beats to their heart's content. They changed their identity and moved to a different state. If I had not taken action to change my behaviors, they would have followed the same self-destructive path I was in 20 years ago.

I was very self-aware for a 7 year old. It was how my parents treated me that made me think about my life and my existence. I was born to a Filipino-Chinese Christian family. Their ideologies oppressed my individuality to think less of myself and think highly of others. It wasn't until we watched the movie 1984, when I began to rethink my individuality. 

Fast forward to 1995, I was questioning God a lot. I didn't think my prayers were going to be answered until I decided to take my own life. God gave me a 2nd chance. In the wilderness of my journey to self-discovery, I fell deep down an abyss of self-loathing and melancholy in 1999. 

It was here in America, the land of the free and home of the brave, that I found where I needed to be. I was home in North Carolina. I cannot deny that there are still areas where segregation exists, but I am grateful that I am free from guilt and shame. I am able to express myself freely - granted there haven't been any people I have offended. It was never my intention to offend anyone. I am human after all. I will continue to offend people.

I initially never wanted to be here in America when my mother drag the entire family to California, because of the stories I heard from my mother's friends who had stayed in America for a while and returned to Philippines. The lack of respect was overwhelming for them. Pockets of these rumors are true in some areas, but not the entire nation itself. As long as Americans are progressing towards empathy, compassion and trustworthiness, then it should live up to it's slogan: "The American Dream."

A lot of Millennials and Generation Zs are throwing the phrase "woke people" around so often, that it loses its argument. My mother is almost 70 years old. She has yet figured out what she wants to do with her life. Imagine that - yet, she has the audacity to tell me that she knows what is best for me.

I've taken a lot of risks. She has made sacrifices. Despite the numerous times I tell her how grateful I am for her sacrifices, she denies my efforts as "laziness" at best. Whatever I say or do, it's not going to matter to her because it will never be enough to satisfy her ego. She believes that I was going to have a doctorate degree (The average Research Doctor salary in North Carolina is $201,683 as of December 27, 2023, but the range typically falls between $174,626 and $225,595), get married to a rich Christian man (I don't think they actually exist) and have very intelligent children (An IQ of 125 is considered by many schools to be “gifted.” Scores of 120-129 are Superior), so she can brag and compare them to her friends' children. 

I was in Sunway College from 1997 to 1998. There had been 8 suicides and 20 suicide attempts at the campus alone. Only 1 story hit home to one of the senior students, who was next door to my dormitory. It was her best friend. I tried to console her as best as I could. She told me that her best friend was worried her parents would be upset with her for getting a GPA of 2.5. She couldn't believe her best friend considered ending her life - even after she told her that they still had 3 more semesters to go. I did my best to write to her everyday when I returned to Brunei in 1999. The letters stopped coming. I lost all contact when I received my letter back with an endorsement, "Return to Sender" in 2000. I hoped she lived a fulfilling life. 

I cannot tell a person to rethink their decision about taking their life, because I know that I am still dealing with mine. I have no leverage in that matter. However, I have made a name for myself already. I can't simply give it up without a fight. I may not be a household name such as Dwayne "Rock" Johnson or Keanu Reeves, but my work has been recognized. That's enough fame for me to keep the boat sailing through the storm.

To those who are still on the edge, please consider one thing for me: "What do you want to do with your life?" Have a look at this way: At the end of the day, it is you who is waking up in the morning, taking risks and making an effort to be present in the moment of every day of your life. It is not your mom, or your dad, or your partner, doing these things in your body. Remember this: You are the author of your life. 

If seeing a therapist isn't right for you, have a friend, whom you are deeply connected to, and whom you trust the most, to check up on you. There's nothing wrong in keeping tabs with your friend and vise-versa. Brothers-in-arms should be as normal as sisterhoods.

I don't have any good advice on how to stop the suicidal thoughts from coming. If it's any consolation, I am happy with my accomplishments. Sure, I had some help along the way - including my scornful mother - but the people who helped me the most, were the ones who stood by me in the storm and helped me through it. If you have friends like that, remember not to push them away. If it helps, ask for a hug.

My safe word during my darkest moments is "Potato"

My husband bought me a potato shaped stress ball and a potato shaped pillow buddy. I kid you not: he threw the pillow buddy at me and said, "Stop being a potato!" I glared at him (he did throw a pillow at me), but he was right. I asked if he was ready to listen to me unfold my emotions. I keep it short when he is not emotionally ready. He had expressed several years ago (2019) that he has to be mentally be prepared to deal with Darkness. He too, needed to see to his self-care. He had a rough time helping my child and myself from falling apart. It's not that we gave him a hard time deliberately. He's the type of person who can handle 1 thing at a time. 

When he renamed Darkness to Elizabeth (my mother's name), it made me question how he sees me in the relationship. 

I had a mental break down. 

It began as an intrusive thought. The thought that I was never going to be good enough for any body. I began to question myself why I ever bothered listening to the man, who claimed he could handle Darkness. I reminded myself that he is also human. However, that concept alone did not convince my past self. My past self was trying to convince me that I was better off dead. Darkness came along to remind me that we were past this bullshit. We accomplished so much since 2012. I sat there thinking about how to explain to my husband that I needed him to be honest with me. I wanted to know how I play a part in the relationship because everything felt one-sided. My emotional support was barely there especially when he japes, "Okay, Elizabeth..." When I try to be an emotional support, he dismisses it as "not your damn business." Darkness kept arguing with my past self. I couldn't think straight with all the noise. Since Darkness was louder, my past self banged my head onto the bath tub. I screamed, "Stop it!"

He came running and asked me if he should have me admitted to the mental facility. After a long drawn out conversation, he apologized that he didn't understand how his perception of Darkness affected my existence in the relationship. 

If it weren't for Darkness, I wouldn't have risked taking him as my husband. Before he proposed to marry me (we were dating since 2009 - 2010), I told him that I no longer wanted to be in a relationship. I was confident that I could make it as a single-mother. He told me the importance of my child having a father in their life to balance the discipline and support. I asked him if he was able to keep up with Darkness. He made a bold statement that he could handle "Her."

My journals have been archived in a box. My husband asked me once if I have ever read through them again. My answer was, "No, because it will trigger the memories and Darkness comes. I do not want Darkness to take over because no one will survive." I told him that he could read them if he wanted to. He didn't feel it was appropriate. It was the only way to understand what goes through my head. He did read 1 book of my memoir. He said it was very dark. Admittedly, it was. 

My existential crisis as a Christian was challenged by a mother, whose faith-based religion is on killing those, who do not exercise the same beliefs. Nothing she said or did was Godly or righteous. Darkness exists because of how my parents treated me at a very young age. Darkness was never my enemy. She is my protector. To that my husband said, "I am your protector now." I cried not as a sign of relief but a dilemma I am faced with. He does not live inside my head to stop those echoing words that have been with me throughout my childhood.

I am not my depression. I know who I am and what I stand for. I am Darkness as much as I am Light. 

Darkness is open to interpretation, since it's defined as a lack of light. Artists use darkness to emphasize and contrast the presence of light. In a sense, to counterpoint areas of lightness to create leading lines and voids, such shadowed shapes around areas of the painting. Shadows add depth and perspective to a painting. In Chinese philosophy, Yin is the complementary feminine part of the taijitu and is represented by a dark lobe. In Old English there were three words that could mean darkness: heolstor, genip, and sceadu. Heolstor also meant "hiding-place" and became holster. Genip meant "mist" but fell out of use like many strong verbs. It is however, still used in the Dutch saying "in het geniep" which means secretly. Sceadu meant "shadow" and remained in use. 

I was named Beautiful Peace. My name was given to me by my paternal grandfather. I had 5 years of my childhood in serenity. By the time I was 7, I was tired of hearing, "If you had been a son, we could have XYZ," 24 hours, 7 days a week, in 365 days of the year.

Yes, my past stories are dark. It was Darkness who mothered my child before I married my 2nd husband. My husband assured me that I was safe with him. 

2019 drew a lot of resources from us. Whether he admits it or not, he was burnt out. I get it. I was burnt out from the 1st husband since 2001. I was hanging on by a thread for 7 years until I met him (2nd husband), at work in October 2007.

I never wanted to go through a relationship with him, but he convinced me that if I didn't take a risk to find out, we would eventually kick ourselves and lived to regret it for the rest of our lives. 

My Interact counselor was right. I should have waited for all the dust to settle from the divorce with the 1st husband and the annulment from my parents' influence before I involved myself with him. I went through the marriage because my father gave his blessing. Whether my father consecrated our matrimonial union, God had already ordained it to be so when I was 13 years old.

5 years later, he was mentally drained. That was when we started using the safe word.

I know it sounds like a far-fetched story. I was there. I experienced it. I lived through those memories. It's just me, Darkness and my husband now. I'm doing the best I can to make this relationship work. 

As much I like to believe my husband's words, his actions speak louder than mine. He doesn't do the things I do for him. They say it takes 5 years to know someone. We've been together for 16 years and 3 months, but married for only 13 years and 5 months. Yet, I don't have a clue why I exist in this relationship. 

via GIPHY

I am only responsible for my actions. I cannot control other people. I can't make people understand me. 😕 

If that's how it's going to be, I might as well make the best of this life and hopefully don't make a mess of things. That's how my mother sees me: Useless, worthless, obstinate and stupid like a mule.

I am Beautiful Peace. The one you can trust to be by your side no matter how bleak the day may be. I am not perfect. I am human. My humanity is what defines my kindness, compassion, generosity and graciousness. I am a survivor of trauma, abuse and violence. I believe in the God of the Universe because of the things I witness and heard the words from the Jewish people, who expressed in their Exodus story of God's promise.

It's a pleasure to meet you.