Equal partnership

 

Embarking on the journey of a committed relationship or marriage is a significant milestone. ~ Lauren Southards

In any relationship, regardless of status whether it be a business, romantic, matrimonial, social or filial exchange of ideas, shared interests or goals, people need to realize that you are no longer the focus.

It has been a very challenging transition for me when I emigrated to the United States. Every individual is counted as part of the collective but never as a whole. Where I grew up in Brunei with Filipino parents, the mindset imparted to me was to always think of others. Focusing on yourself was deemed as a negative impact to the family and the community.

After 25 years of being inundated with verbal abuse, one might think I would have followed the same footsteps as my parents. Don't get me wrong. I love my parents. They fed us well and cared for our needs despite their financial strain as a couple. My mother worked 7 jobs. That was how she dedicated herself to the family. As a result, I am inspired to do the same with the lesson she taught me:

Be good at everything that you do - even when no one is looking. God rewards those who see to the needs of others ~ Elizabeth S.I. Yap

 I have learned throughout the years of relating with others, that people have their own preconceived notions in how they see the world - especially other people who are different from their social status, ethnic groups, and identity. 

My father imparted his wisdom when I went to college:

Lead by example; teach with experienced understanding; learn with an open heart; dream with inspiration and live by savoring each moment. ~ P. Carlito Yap

People have always wondered how I could ever be so cruel or negative even though I have a wonderful personality. 

Here's the truth:

I'm the type of person who enjoys having company. I wouldn't give it a second thought if you have malicious intent. 

If I feel threatened, I will act accordingly. However, when it comes to the people I care about, be forewarned that I will act violently without remorse. My defense would be, "I did what did. I said what I said. They deserved what came with it."

I am the type of person who will lay my life down for a friend, a child and/or a partner. I am also the type of person who will share my knowledge and skills. 

As a germaphobe, I cannot share my clothes but, I will happily give it away to someone else who needs it. Everything else that touches a person's body, I don't want it nor do I want it to be shared.

Imagine a world where people take the time to know you as much as you know yourself. They don't impose their prejudices and violate your personal boundaries. 

The moment you allow yourself to be limited by the things others hate about you, your soul dies like a campfire by the ocean. Even if you found your own tribe or kindred spirit, there will always be a shade too light or too dark for your comfort.

Words are powerful. The moment you become objective about a subjective matter, you lose your connection to humanity.

If you want to be treated with respect, start respecting your body, your time, your efforts and your standards. If you want people to love you, learn to love yourself by

• Eating a well-balanced diet 
• Stay hydrated
• Go out on adventures 
• Try out new hobbies
• Read a book
• Write a story - even if it's just about your day
• Connect with nature
• Embrace your masculine and feminine self
• Live by example. 

Once your self-awareness manifests into your livelihood, you will notice the number of people taking interest of you. Be wary of those who want to do you harm. Violence should never enter into the relationship - especially when a quid pro quo becomes a bargaining method to lure you into sacrificing your time, your resources and your dignity. 

An equal partnership only applies to business or romantic relationships.

Each party has to come to an agreement that the relationship should have mutual respect and benefits to enrich each other's individuality towards a common purpose.

Can couples become business partners? Sure. Forbes have touched on this topic: Partners in Business and in Life. When couples have surpassed the vulnerability to getting to know each other, they can plan on starting a business when they both feel ready to embark on the journey to do so. Neither party should ever feel coerced, uncomfortable, inadequate or obligated. Again, the endeavor has to have a mutual, respectful and beneficial common ground.

When it comes to the marital relationship, there should be clear, graceful and honest communication between the couple. If your objective as a couple is to have a good life, what does that mean to each of you? Where will these objectives take you in your relationship for the future? 

Having relationship goals are the plans, dreams, and achievements you and your partner create for the life you each want to build together. Having your own goals and dreams should enhance your relationship, as each partner has something unique and interesting to bring to the relationship. Mutual questioning is a powerful technique to draw out deeper emotions and desires and address potential areas of conflict before they disrupt your closeness. The right questions inspire understanding, compassion, and action for positive change.

Objective	Subjective
Date night routine	When you get busy and distracted with your own stuff, and neglect to tune in to the needs and desires of your partner, you begin to take one another for granted. Take a moment every day to ask yourself and each other, “Are we putting each other first today? What do we need to do today to nurture it? When can we go out on a date?"
Be vulnerable	You and your partner should feel safe sharing and talking, even during conflict, in a way that doesn't undermine each other or the relationship. You treat one another with utmost deference, dignity, and kindness and respect one another's opinions, beliefs, needs, and boundaries. It is a time for talking, sharing, embracing, and simply enjoying each other's company. For example, "Do you have 15 minutes? There are some things in the past I need you to know."
Accept imperfection	The first step toward reaching this goal is making a series of agreements together that reinforce your care and protection of the relationship. Become experts on each other's needs, desires, and fears. Look in each other's eyes. Hold hands. Listen attentively as the other is talking. For example, "Could you define your variables? I don't understand what you want me to do."
Show each other appreciation	Build up a reservoir of happy memories to counter any difficulties. Being kind doesn't mean you have to agree with each other or even feel loving during a challenging moment. It does mean you agree to avoid attacking, insulting, or intentionally wounding each other. It means you speak forthrightly without using passive or manipulative behaviors. It means you step away or count to ten when you feel like lashing out, knowing that you don't want to say or do something you'll later regret. For example, "Thank you for helping me with [describe incident]"
Start small	Taking small steps to get you and your partner where you both want to be. If you don’t reach a goal immediately, it may help to exercise some compassion and celebrate the progress you make along the way. You are each other's number one person in good times and bad, and you are the first to offer support and love. You have each others' backs and can rely on each other.
Provide a safe space for your partner	If you and your partner have established trust, you might try not to let negative thoughts or unsubstantiated worries poison your relationship. Both of you need to feel that you can completely trust each other and that neither of you will betray the sacred trust in your relationship.
Love each other unconditionally	Love your partner for who they are rather than trying to change them into someone they are not. This typically means supporting each other through good times and bad. When challenges arise, someone makes a mistake, or both people are going through a challenging time, a couple with unconditional love may find that they can still love and support each other and emerge from challenges stronger than before.
Try new things together to discover more interests.	Never assume you know your partner completely. Stay open to learning new things about them. By accepting that, you may find that you have more in common than you thought. You can grow together when you celebrate the things that connect you and incorporate them into your plans.
Accept and support the parts of your partner’s life that are not yours	Find a balance between spending time together and doing things solo, especially with the things that you do apart from making you feel fulfilled and encouraged to your sense of self. You both are free to have personal boundaries as individuals, and you both commit to honoring the other person's boundaries.
Maintain a satisfying sex life	The key to bridging the differences in sexual needs is regular communication. Talking about your sex life may feel uncomfortable at first, but communicating your needs and concerns will protect your relationship from potential problems that can further damage your intimacy. This connection time doesn't need to be hours long. Even fifteen or twenty minutes is enough to reinforce how much you care about each other.

“You can be right, or you can be married. Which one do you prefer?” —Terry Real

What is most important is being heard, seen, felt, and respected by the other. That is what builds intimate relationships, not a battle for the truth. Subjective is the only real objective in intimate relationships. 

Nothing is more wounding to the pairing than having your vulnerabilities disparaged, disregarded, or worse, thrown back in your face in order to make you feel bad about yourself. ~ Barrie Davenport

As important as our love relationships are to our health and happiness, it is curious how little time we spend taking care of them. Individuals in a relationship can change over time. These changes can lead to disconnection, conflicts, and unhappiness. When we feel hurt, angry, or frustrated, it's so easy to lash out and say hurtful things. Sometimes we employ passive-aggressive words and behaviors, using subtle digs, manipulation, or stonewalling to express how we feel. Both overt and covert words and behaviors like these are deeply wounding, and over time they accumulate enough to cause serious problems in a relationship. Make it a goal to be kind in all of your communication. 

The most important element of quality time together is that you are fully present for each other. This means you aren't looking at your phone, doing a task, or watching television. You are fully focused on each other. If you don't take time to plan your ideal future as a couple, how could you expect to grow and evolve together in your marriage? 

In traditional Judaism, marriage is viewed as a contractual bond commanded by God in which a Jewish man and a Jewish woman come together to create a relationship in which God is directly involved. Certain aspects of their role in God's house, a husband is responsible for providing his wife with food, clothing and sexual relations (Ex. 21:10), as well as anything else specified in the ketubah. Marital sexual relations are the woman’s right, not the man’s. A man cannot force his wife to engage in sexual relations with him, nor is he permitted to abuse his wife in any way (a practice routinely permitted in Christian countries until quite recently).

The beginning of the Jewish marriage process is the stage of shiddukhin, in which the man and woman promise to marry each other in the future. A married Jewish woman retains ownership of any property she brought to the marriage, but the husband has the right to manage the property and to enjoy profits from the property.

It is said that a Roman woman asked a rabbi, if your G-d created the universe in six days, then what has he been doing with his time since then? The rabbi said that G-d has been arranging marriages. The Roman woman scoffed at this, saying that arranging marriages was a simple task, but the rabbi assured her that arranging marriages properly is as difficult as parting the Red Sea. To prove the rabbi wrong, the Roman woman went home and took a thousand male slaves and a thousand female slaves and matched them up in marriages. The next day, the slaves appeared before her, one with a cracked skull, another with a broken leg, another with his eye gouged out, all asking to be released from their marriages. The woman went back to the rabbi and said, “There is no god like your G-d, and your Torah is true.” ~ Marriage in Judaism

Over 40 years ago, Bernard (1975) presented a provocative and controversial thesis asserting marriage is better for men than for women, and his statement has raised heated discussions. Based on his study, entering in a serious relationship, such as marriage, requires strong enthusiasm toward the partner (Wang and Chang, 2002) and, thus, results in higher ratings of subjectively perceived relationship satisfaction. Another possible explanation may be that people generally consider marriage a long-lasting relationship (Silliman and Schumm, 2004; Willoughby and Dworkin, 2009), and when they decide to get married, they rationalize and “cognitively close” their choice (Webster and Kruglanski, 1994). Participants in the study population may have felt they had to be satisfied with their relationship, as they had invested so much energy into its development. Had they reported being unsatisfied, feeling an internal conflict may have surfaced (e.g., “Why am I even with him/her if it makes me unhappy?”). The need to explain the dissonance of staying in an unsuccessful relationship would be negatively perceived, and could yield unpleasant emotions, especially in Western, individualistic cultures, which value the pursuit of personal happiness at all costs (Gilovich et al., 2015). Such emotion could also occur in Eastern, collectivistic cultures, which emphasize the importance of being unselfish, grateful, and appreciative of one’s partner (Kagawa-Fox, 2010).

A Fox News report, citing the 34% spike in divorce rates, speculated that: The combination of stress, unemployment, financial strain, death of loved ones, illness, homeschooling children, mental illnesses, and more has put a significant strain on relationships. Despite the strength of the historical census microdata, the census has some limitations for the analysis of long-run changes in marital instability. 

Putting your goals into practice takes a lot of work. Mistakes happen. When emotional intimacy is low or non-existent, your sex life will probably suffer as well. When you feel emotionally distant or disconnected from your spouse, your marriage may become a sexless one too. If neither one of you are willing to work things out, why even marry?

“Being able to communicate well requires both good transmission skills (articulation) and good receptive skills (listening). Without both, communication will be, at best, difficult.” ~ Dr. Edward Dreyfus, Clinical Psychologist and Life Coach

There have been literal wars fought over differences in race, religion, nationality, culture, gender, sexuality, and which political party someone supports. When spouses have developed opposing values and/or morals, the marriage is likely to end in divorce; especially when neither one of them can or is willing to see things from their spouse’s point of view. 

Contrary to popular belief, romantic love is not self-sustaining: without carving out quality time for intimacy and fun as a couple – not just as a family – love withers like a plant without water or sunshine. If only one partner is making the romantic gestures, arranging date nights, or initiating sex, that will also take a toll on the marriage. When the way spouses think about money and debt – no matter how much or how little of it they actually have – are fundamentally incompatible, it can also cause the breakdown of a marriage.

Opposites may attract, but similarities are what bind. With no shared interests, you will either start spending less and less time with your spouse as you pursue your hobbies and passions or give them up in favor of your spouse’s interests. Both of these strategies will build resentment and weaken the bond you share. If you hope to stay together, you will likely need marriage counseling and a willingness to compromise. This applies to every area of your shared life, from household chores to choosing which extracurricular activities you can do together. If you cannot reach a mutual bond which both of you can commit to, your incompatibility may lead to divorce.

Differences in parenting styles, stemming from individual upbringings, personal beliefs, or cultural backgrounds, can become a significant source of tension in a marriage. While one partner might advocate for a more disciplined approach, the other might lean towards a lenient and nurturing style. Effective co-parenting requires open communication, compromise, and a unified front. Without these, parenting differences can strain the marital relationship, leading to deeper misunderstandings and conflicts.

Marriage often means merging two families, bringing along a mix of expectations and traditions. External pressures from in-laws, cultural differences, or unsolicited advice can strain a marriage. Never allow these external obligations constrain your relationship with your partner. 

As a Filipino of the 20th century, I was raised to groom my husband and raise our children on my own. If I had been born a son, I would have been raised to assimilate my family to be part of the family clan. I would assign my spouse to certain household duties and provide discipline to my children.

Here in America, I was taught different. Women demand equality. I felt empowered to exhibit my rights as a woman. Sadly, it ended in a traumatic divorce. After several self-help classes and enrolling in a life skills program, I was able to hold a steady job, raise my child into adulthood and live a happier life.

Whether it's about roles in the household, financial achievements, or emotional support, when reality doesn't align with these lofty ideals, it can lead to feelings of inadequacy and resentment. For a marriage to thrive, it's essential for partners to communicate openly, adjust expectations, and understand that perfection is unattainable. Unrealistic expectations, if unchecked, can become a silent threat to marital harmony. Supporting each other's goals is pivotal for mutual growth and fulfillment. When one partner feels their ambitions are sidelined or undervalued, it can lead to feelings of resentment and stagnation.

Whether you admit it or not, you’ll both be miserable if the closest you get to intimacy is giving each other a quick, goodnight peck on the lips. Maybe your spouse is still in the dark as to what turns you on, but you probably aren’t. The best time to share information about how you want to spice up your intimacy together without making your spouse feel pressured, is during private dates — whether you’re chatting together in your bedroom or talking over a drink at a favorite restaurant. In fact, the more you can make your spouse feel special and worthwhile spending more time with, the more likely you both are to make inroads and start building — or rebuilding — a connection as equal partners.

Who knows? Maybe they'll surprise you with a proposal just as spontaneous as the ones you see in Romantic movies? But why set such high expectations that will disappoint you? A walk down the park perhaps? Or a bedroom proposal?

Get a journal and write a letter in it to your spouse, sharing your thoughts and concerns and expressing your hopes for your relationship. Write about how much fun you’ve had and what you hope you can still enjoy as you grow old together. Keep it positive, loving, and encouraging. Let their purpose be to remind each other of what you have and to celebrate the progress you’ve made — together and individually. Even if you’re both generally able to see things from other perspectives, sometimes you just don’t have the energy. Respect that, and live to talk another day. 

Do what is needed, and put your relationship of your partner ahead of what people want from you. You’ll both be glad you did.