When Love is genuine

​Love encompasses time and space. Once you become aware what love is, you can't help but share it with others. It is truly impossible to hate someone when you are filled with God’s love. When you embody love, everything and everyone around you start paying attention.

I recall how much I wanted to spend time with my parents. No matter how much I tried, I was always punished for disturbing them. I began to grow confused and angry with my parents whenever my sisters sought for the same attention I did.

My parents insinuated that I was jealous. I knew in my heart it wasn’t true. I viewed my younger siblings as helpless as I was. We were all under their jurisdiction. We depended on them for protection, care, support, and provision.

Needless to say, I was forced to take responsibility not only for my sisters, but for my negligent parents too. If it wasn’t for the housekeeper, I would have lost all of my childhood completely.

Everywhere I went during my childhood, from toddler to adolescence, all the adults insinuated that I was obnoxious, inconsiderate, and cynical towards the community. Even if I was, not one single adult was reasonable enough to stop the abuse my sisters and I were experiencing at home.

In my teens, I thanked God that I outgrew my mother. My height overtowers her stature by 9 inches. I couldn’t prove to my family that I loved them because they saw my limitations as an embarrassment and a rebellion against their authority.

The first time an adult heard and saw me just as I was, a lost child, I couldn’t help but cry. The late Pastor Medina welcomed me with open arms. He didn’t judge me because I looked like a contumacious child. He saw me as a child of God, who needed love and support. 

It wasn’t coincidence that another pastor, whom I met in Malaysia, openly welcomed me to her congregation. Pastor Julie taught me how to use my spiritual gifts. 

Even when I was attending religious services at the military base, the chaplains would bestow their blessings and prayers to me. They have never met each other, and yet, they all gave me the same message, “God has a big plan for you. Don’t stray from the path he is leading you to.”

I never doubted in my mind that God loves me. However, my parents’ words drowned me into believing that my sins were far greater than God’s love for me. Every time I refused to believe it, my parents accused me of being a heretic.

My sorrow turned into despair. No matter how often I read God’s words, my parents’ words kept replaying in my mind. I was angry. How could anyone not be angry about a child’s dire situation? If people can react berserk over someone mistreating a helpless animal, why can’t they do the same for a child?

Even though there was a part of me who loves my parents dearly, there was nothing I could say or do to prove to them that my love was genuine.

I almost died 5 times under their jurisdiction. I was declared disowned 3 times:

  1. I didn’t want to accept being someone’s lackey just because I had a learning disability 
  2. I didn’t want to emigrate to the USA when I only had 3 months to graduate 
  3. I didn’t want to change my mind about enlisting in the military 

My desperation of wanting to be loved and accepted was insurmountable that I was careless.

Careless in the sense of being in a state of pettiness and indifference. I indulged in risky behavior hoping that death would come visit me. I grew melancholy when she never picked me up. 

On my way to work, I wasn’t in a good condition to drive. I was desperate for money to pay the rent. However, I was also in need of sleep. I had been sleep deprived for 3 days. Suddenly I heard my name “LEI ANNE!” By the time I awoke, I felt like I was floating in the air. My only reaction was to hit the brakes since my foot was on it already. Once I hit the ground, the car hissed and crashed hard. My heart raced. But I was tired. I don’t know how long I was unconscious. As weak as I was, I managed to call my best friend and the husband I had at the time. The police arrived. Despite being charged for a moving violation, everyone was grateful that I was alive. It was obvious God wanted me to change my direction. I knew I was lost, but I realized I was blind.

When I was finally given permission to sleep, I dreamt that I was drowning in water. It felt suffocating for a moment. When my lungs began to fill with water, it felt sharp but soothing at the same time. My lungs changed and I was able to breathe. The water felt wet running through my nose and chest. I swam around to explore where I was. The ocean was vast. I was overwhelmed because I didn’t know where to go. I cried out to God to lead the way. His voice called to me. “Ruth, where are you?” I was confused. My name wasn’t Ruth, but it was the name I chose when my mother asked what Christian name I wanted to use after she had her pastor baptized me. I answered, “I’m here. I don’t see you.” I stayed in place keeping myself from sinking deeper beneath the ocean floor. “WAKE UP!” It was my child’s father. For the first time, I saw him.

He was a hurt man. What have I done? I didn’t love him in the manner a wife would for their husband. I tried my best to work things out, but he was too stubborn and proud to understand where I was coming from.

It mattered not whether I was raised Christian, Catholic, atheist or anarchic. No child should ever experience deprivation of love and respect. From his perspective, I put my parents first before him. I violated the covenant of matrimony. When he decided to threaten my life in front of our child, I knew it was time to leave. Despite how much it hurt, I knew better than to stay. Staying with him would only harness my darkness into fury. 

I never had the dream again, but I knew in my heart I needed to change. Even though I suffered from post traumatic stress disorder, my depression was due to chemical imbalance. Tests showed that my mind was functioning as normal. The only thing debilitating me was chronic anxiety. After several sessions, it was determined that I needed cognitive behavioral therapy. 

I began to love God’s words again. The promises of always being ahead of me, encouraging me to follow his voice, and to look forward to his presence and grace. 

I learned to be mindful of my words whenever people are threatened by my presence. I needed to constantly remind myself that there isn’t anybody like me. Therefore, I must tread carefully when dealing with others who mock and ridicule me. I know in my heart my love is genuine. 

My love isn’t rooted in conceit nor does it ask for attention. The world describes it as having a “Big Heart,” but in the language of the angels, it’s benevolent love. 

I love every one who comes to me, but that doesn’t mean they have the authority to abuse my person. Nor do I have the free will to follow their footsteps. 

I am Lei Anne to the world, but I am Ruth in God’s eyes. I am Esther to all who needs me. 

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