Establishing a stable home

In the last six months of my healing journey, I discovered a lot of perceptions weren't even mine. 

As a young parent, it becomes a reality for my child(ren) to believe that I condone such rigid principles that leaves no room for compassion. It was never my intention. Children are honest, vulnerable, and capricious human beings. If you're one who has the patience and compassion to deal with people of such incorrigible nature, then you can handle children of all ages. 

Children need structural foundation as much as any company. The only difference is their code of conduct. Children have none — that's why most parents in the early 50s allow them to roam free and learn their own lessons the hard way. 

I was asked during my therapy session what values I hold dear the most. These values are respect, integrity, compassion, and peace. The next question I was asked was how I was leading my life with these values. Much to my disappointment, I haven't been doing so. I am grateful to have my sisters, both my previous and current husband, including my child in forgiving my past behaviors. In the last 8 years, I built a solid support system of people who love and accept me for who I am becoming; especially towards who I need to be.

Foundation rules 

Respect creates a peaceful society by reducing conflict, encouraging open communication, and giving everyone the basic dignity they need to thrive. When you consistently allow a person to speak freely without prejudice, interruption, and pressure, you will notice trust, confidence, and accountability follows soon after. This mutual exchange of character helps solve problems without anger, share ideas frequently since everyone feels safe around each other, and prevents unfair treatment.

People need to understand that respect is non-transactional. Respect is earned by actions, honesty, and consistency. People cannot demand respect based solely on age, wealth, or status; they must demonstrate integrity over time. 

The 1950s romanticized material possessions like new automobiles, modern kitchen appliances, and single-family suburban housing as immediate proof of moral and civic virtue. The cultural demand for respect based on these traditional metrics masked deep racial, gender, and economic exclusions.

To mitigate the influence of perceptions that respect demands a transaction, we must evaluate the values that matters to us the most. 

In my case, I enjoy having my belongings where I left them. I don't mind lending my belongings to others as long as it is returned in its original state. Even though I am aware that accidents are possible, I would still want it returned rather than thrown away without my consent. 

When it comes to sharing food, I prefer that people to please use a serving spoon or a serving bowl to have a portion from my plate after I give permission. "Food tax" is something parents made up to take something from a child's request to satiate their food cravings. Very rarely do parents ask permission for a portion after fetching a bag of chips for their child. 

I usually clean up after myself, but I am also the type of person who likes a neat and organized place. If I see something out of place, I usually put it back where it belongs. However, living with people who do not have the capacity to be tidy, can upset my entire day. Since I am not the type to nag, I will only ask the place to be tidy once. I can only tolerate the unkempt area for about a month before it gets disposed or returned to its original place. 

I was raised to reuse, recycle, replace, and replenish items around the house. One thing I have learned is that not all things plastic are recyclable. Recycling centers cannot accept contaminated bottles. It has to be cleaned and emptied before it can be recycled. I use detergent pods nowadays just to stop contributing to the landfill. I have about 500 projects involving reusable items around the house, but it's becoming burdensome. I had to organize what to keep, what to throw, and what to donate. 

Leading by example has been instilled in me since I was 7 years old. Even though I was never taught how to lead, I was very good at following other's opinions, suggestions, and advice. Since I was so good at it, I always made sure that others learning from me were safe, protected, and properly cared for. 

Controlling my anger hasn't been something I am appropriately adapted to since I treat injustice with exponential prejudice. This is where respect comes in with righteousness and compassion at its side to ensure justice is served fairly and justly. It has taken me 30 years to understand why forgiveness without recompense means letting go of a grudge or a demand for payment, repair, or payback when the person who hurt you has not paid you back, apologized, or changed does far more good than the latter. 

The author of Psalms 118 puts it plainly, "Let the God of my father judge the wicked and I will cut them off." 

House rules

Once you have grasp the concept of respect, you can build a set of house rules for everyone who enters your home. 

1. Ask permission even though you may have been given a statement, "Mi casa su casa." Just because you're a guest, doesn't mean you have right to other's privacy or authority to take, give, or throw away another's personal belongings. 

2. Respect other's privacy and personal boundaries 

3. Speak your peace. Say something when you feel uncomfortable, or someone has mistreated you during your visit. 

4. If you break something, let someone know — especially if an electric wire has been exposed. 

5. Table etiquette requires respect to all parties to pass dishes along the table  regardless of race, ethnicity, culture, gender identity, or personal background. 

6. In the event where something is borrowed, please return it in its original condition. If not, return it to owner and provide the explanation of damage to the item. If item is irreplaceable, acknowledgement of being barred from another opportunity must be accepted. 

7. Overnight stays are welcome. Guest amenities are available when requested. If possible, bring your own toiletries. 

8. Household chores are optional for guests and visitors. It is to your personal discretion if you want to help take out trash, run grocery errands, wash the dishes or put dishes into the dishwasher, clean a room, sweep the floor or vacuum the carpet. 

9. Household members have their assigned responsibilities. If someone has missed their assignment, you may either remind them or do it for them. 

10. If there are any doubts, questions or concerns regarding the house rules, do not hesitate to notify all household members. 

A stable home

I wished that I didn't grow up with emotionally immature parents. However the case may be, they provided the basic needs a child could ever have in their childhood — food, shelter, clothes. 

A child also requires respect, guidance, cognitive development, and social skills along with emotional support and regulation. Learning these things during my mid- to late 30s and 40s is nothing but an embarrassment to society and the community. 

If you ever decide to get married and have children, start with your dream home before committing to a relationship that demands more than what you can handle. There's nothing wrong with having children in your early 20s. Remember that you need a support system of people who care about your well-being, people who want to see you succeed, people who adore your children to ensure their security and safety, people who have your interest at heart, and a partner who enjoys fulfilling your happiness as much as theirs. If you don't have that now, build it. Darling, you are capable. Resources are available, but be wary of malicious entities that act as the real thing. 

Time is the only resource that is limited. Use it wisely. When you build a stable home, your children will bless you more than you could ever imagine. All because you value respect in such a way that not only benefits others but to you as well.